One week after I turned 20, I lost my shit, and it wasn’t cute like in the movies! Let me explain.
It was 2 in the afternoon, and I haven’t ate a darn thing. Not even a mint. So I head to my house to get something to eat. I quickly change my mind because it usually takes me twenty minutes to get home. I go through the drive thru at Taco Casa, order the nachos, and feast on my way home. I had those nachos downed in less than three minutes. It was some sort of record. I’m sure of it. Well I start “feeling” the nachos instantly. I trick myself into thinking that my stomach isn’t begging for mercy. I pressed on. I get halfway home and notice that my stomach isn’t making the sounds of an angry gorilla as frequently as 5 minutes ago. I pass the last store and head down the highway. One minute passes and BAM! My stomach starts to sound like King Kong. “Holy crap, Demi. You just might be the dumbest person alive. You have ten minutes to go!” I begin to speed. Sorry officers, but yo gurl needs to poop. I turn on my road. I start to feel relief. I made it. I finally made it! I drive up my half a mile driveway like I was part of the Fast & Furious franchise. My mind on my porcelain throne, and my porcelain throne on my mind.
I open the garage door and throw my car into park. I think to myself, “Well you don’t want to make two trips. Grab your purse and backpack out of the backseat.” Bad idea but I do it anyways.
I’m getting all my bags from the backseat and suddenly sense a presence behind me. I am half a mile from civilization. It’s probably a dog, but what if it’s a robber?! I find a random hammer in my car. (Perk of never cleaning out my car! People say its gross but really it might save my life one day.) I turn around and THERE IS A MAN BY MY CAR! All my strength goes to my arm that is gripping the hammer! I mean ALL my strength! All the strength that is holding my butt from exploding. I shit all over myself. The man is terrified. I like to that it is because I had a hammer, but it is probably from the sounds and smells coming from my butthole. I do an awkward, white-girl moonwalk to the door and go clean myself up.
I realize in the middle of my unexpected shower that I left my car open! With the keys in it! With an unidentified man! I have to go back out there and check. I will probably have to go jean AND car shopping tomorrow. I grab the hammer and prepare for the worst.
I open the door. Unidentified man is still there. This is the worst. Definitely the worst. Before I can hit him with my weapon, unidentified man speaks for the first time. “Ma’am, I am from your electricity company. I need to check a few things. I’m sorry for umm…I’m so sorry umm…I apologize.” “Yeah, I’m sorry too. Really sorry.”
This is the day I lost my shit(and my dignity)! I will forever be the girl who got the shit scared out of her because of the electricity worker. The only thing I learned from this situation is that the poor guy didn’t get paid enough that day. That’s for sure.
I’m a few years into my twenties now, and I still don’t have my shit together! I’m not sure I ever will, but here’s to hoping the next time I crap my pants I have an adult diaper on!